Dad, I need your help...

As men, we are often asked to help when a need arises.  Helping a friend to move into a new home, helping your partner to carry groceries in from the car, or even airing up a tire on your kid’s bike.  Sometimes it feels like everyone needs something from us.  At times it can become overwhelming. It can affect our mood, or how we treat those in our lives because of the pressure we feel to help the people that need us.

There is a responsibility that we feel to be the provider for our family.  It’s a willingness to take care of “my” family.  Dad’s will show up to a school program still covered in dirt from a hard day’s work, or pick up an extra shift to make sure that one present is under the tree.

We will put ourselves last if it means the people we love are first. 

Let’s face it, as dad’s that is just what we do. 

However, it’s not as easy for us to ask for help because it implies weakness or our inability to take care of what is “ours.”  Unfortunately, the idea of asking for help can make us feel embarrassed or even inadequate.  Although, if we are going to be there for the people who truly need us the most, we have to be honest when we need help ourselves.

Being a father is the most important job any of us will ever have.  Research has shown that children without an involved father are:

• More likely to have behavioral problems

• More likely to go to prison

• More likely to face abuse and neglect

• More likely to abuse drugs and alcohol

• More likely to suffer obesity

There are benefits to us as well.  The same research has shown when dads are involved in their children’s lives they are:

• Happier

• Have better physical and mental health

• Live longer

• Experience less depression

• More active in their community

• Reduce their alcohol and substance use

• Find stable, secure jobs

• Manage and save money better

• 
  

If we intend to be the father that our children and families deserve, we have to ensure that we are healthy in all aspects of our lives.  Physically, mentally, spiritually.

At ForeverDads, only 40% of the men who are clients are receiving mental health treatment.  Around 30% are not receiving mental health services indicate they are at high risk for depression, anxiety, and violence. 

Guys, it is time for us to do better.

I recently completed coaching my son’s coach pitch baseball team.  We had such a fun season.  I can remember when I was a kid, I lived to play sports. I still love sports, and now that I get to coach my on kids it brings back a lot of memories that I shared with people that I still consider friends 30 years later. 

I can remember, I was around 10, maybe 11, and we were at practice.  I was playing second base, and the coaches were hitting ground balls to us.  I went to field a ground ball, it took a nasty hop and the ball hit me right on the knee cap. 

I went down in a heap, and I’m sure that I was crying.  The coaches, were telling me, all the things you would expect to hear.  “Be tough.”  “Walk it off.”  “Don’t cry.”  The problem was, I tried to do all of those things, but when I stood up to “walk it off” my knee had swollen. It made it really difficult to put any weight on that leg, or to be able to bend my knee.

It wasn’t that I was weak, or a wimp about it, but I had a limitation to what I was able to do.  I wanted to, but I couldn’t.

Now that I am a coach, I try to remember that.  Inevitably, each season, someone will be hit with a baseball.  My son actually took a grounder off of the shin in his last game.  I try to be thoughtful in those situations.  “Son, it’s going to hurt, and there is nothing I can do to make it stop hurting.  You are going to figure out how you work through it.  If you need to take a break and be by yourself, do it.  If you need to hug someone and shed a few tears, do it.  If you need to say a word you’re not allowed to say, do it…just don’t let your mom hear you.”

Toughness is not only the ability to withstand adverse conditions.  It is also the ability to deal with hardship or cope difficult situations. 

So dad, I need your help.

This Father’s Day, I need you to take a second for yourself.  Evaluate how you are.  Are you able to be the person that you are needed to be?  If you need to take a moment for your own self-care, do it.  If you need someone to talk to, and shed a few tears, do it. 

There are many resources that are available for support.  Look to your friends.  Look to mental health professionals, or spiritual leaders.  At ForeverDads, we have fatherhood coaches to help keep perspective of our responsibility as fathers.  It’s too important not to.

The best gift we can receive, is to see the gift we can give.  Happy Father’s Day.

Ryan Sheppard

CEO & Executive Director

ForeverDads