Confidence is Borrowed Before It’s Owned

I used to think self-esteem was something you either had or didn’t, like good eyesight or the ability to do math without sweating or swearing (or sometimes both). Some kids just came with it. Others, well, they did not. Turns out, that was a lie. A very persistent, very unhelpful lie.

What I know now, after years of working with kids, families, schools, and my own very human inner critic (who is EXTREMELY loud!) is this: self-esteem is built. Slowly. Clumsily. In tiny moments most of us don’t even notice. And for children, it’s often borrowed long before it’s owned. Kids learn how to see themselves by watching how we see ourselves. Sit with that one for a second.

February is International Boost Self-Esteem Month, and it also happens to include Children’s Mental Health Week, which feels fitting, because the two are tangled together like earbuds in a pocket. You can’t really talk about one without pulling on the other. And if I’m being honest, the first place this always hits me is the mirror.

I have lost count of how many times I’ve caught myself saying something casually cruel about my own body, my own mistakes, or my own exhaustion, only to realize a child was listening. Watching. Absorbing. Filing it away as truth. Kids don’t just hear what we say to them. They hear what we say about ourselves. That’s where self-esteem begins.

When I worked with kids who had big behaviors- meltdowns, shutdowns, anger that filled a room-adults often asked, “How do we make them feel better about themselves?”

But the real work was almost always with the grown-ups. Self-esteem isn’t built with posters that say You Are Amazing!

It’s built in moments like:

• When a child makes a mistake and we don’t panic

• When we apologize instead of doubling down

• When effort is celebrated more than outcome

• When we rest without guilt

• When we say, “I don’t know yet, but I’ll figure it out” (how hard is this one??)

Children learn who they are by watching how we handle who we are. I repeat, children learn who they are by watching how we handle who we are. If we treat ourselves like a problem to be fixed, kids learn they are, too. If we treat ourselves like a work in progress (worthy, even when unfinished) kids learn that safety. And safety is the foundation of mental health.

We’ve confused confidence with performance. Real self-esteem is quiet. It’s the kid who raises their hand even if they might be wrong. It’s the teen who walks away from a relationship that doesn’t feel safe. It’s the child who says, “I need help” without shame.

And it’s the adult who models that same thing.

Children with healthy self-esteem are more likely to:

• Ask for support

• Try new things

• Recover from setbacks

• Set boundaries

• Resist peer pressure

• Speak up when something feels wrong

That’s not just “feeling good.” That’s mental health protection. And here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: You can’t teach that if you don’t practice it yourself.

I have an inner critic who is loud, specific, and deeply unqualified to run my life. She has opinions about my hair, my schedule, my emails, and my ability to keep plants alive. She is relentless. And for a long time, I thought keeping her around was motivation. It wasn’t. It was modeling. When kids hear us constantly tearing ourselves down, they don’t think, Wow, she’s being honest. They think, That’s how you talk to yourself.

So I’ve been practicing something new: interrupting the script out loud. “I’m frustrated, but I’m not a failure.” “I didn’t handle that perfectly, and I’m still a good person.” “I’m tired, not lazy.”

It feels ridiculous at first and can earn you some very…curious looks. It also works. Kids don’t need perfect adults. They need regulated ones. Honest ones. Kind ones.

If you’re raising, teaching, mentoring, or loving a child, here’s what actually helps:

• Narrate effort, not outcome: “You stuck with that” > “You’re so smart”

• Normalize mistakes: Let them see you mess up and recover

• Name feelings without fixing them: “That was disappointing” goes a long way

• Model boundaries: Rest. Say no. Mean it.

• Let them struggle a little: Confidence comes from capability, not rescue

Self-esteem grows when kids feel competent, connected, and safe. And that safety starts with us.

If this blog made you uncomfortable-good! That means it did it’s job. Boosting children’s self-esteem is not a worksheet. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a thousand tiny choices about how we speak, react, and recover. And none of us do it perfectly. But we can do it intentionally.

So this month, maybe boosting self-esteem looks like:

• Being kinder to yourself in front of kids

• Letting them see you try again

• Talking back to your inner critic out loud

• Reminding them (and yourself) that worth is not earned, it’s inherent

Kids don’t need us to be confident. They need us to be real. And when we show them how to treat themselves with care, we’re not just boosting self-esteem, we’re building mental health that lasts far beyond childhood. And that, my friends, is work worth doing.

As always, be kind-to yourself and others!

Jamie McGrew